|JUN 66: I am 14 months old in this photo, and I am smiling because I have a new baby sister ... or maybe because I have just peed in the pool.
|I am an American.
|I type really fast.
|I am left-eye dominant.
|I brush & floss regularly.
|I am not as funny as I think I am, sometimes.
|I was born on Easter.
|I believe in music.
|I play tennis.
|I do not work quietly without disturbing others.
|I am a procrastinator.
|I watch certain movies just because I know they will make me cry.
|I am not my fucking khaki cargo shorts.
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|:: Expedia [>]
|:: Rarely Updated [>]
|:: Google [>]
:: Sunday, August 31, 2003 ::
The last day of August
I just love this song.
And what does it mean? Nothing, really. Not as far as I am concerned, anyway. Oh, wait, it does mean I get to sleep in tomorrow ... and truthfully, I would like to sleep 'til noon, maybe get up, eat, watch some tennis and baseball on TV, and then take a nap.
I have been exhausted.
Am I depressed? Could be ...
I have no idea what to expect at work anymore. Between this strike, which has lingered too long, and my own general lack of interest in doing anything, really, I find myself a little out of sorts.
And, as always, I am missing the girl.
What would I say, if given the chance to speak to her? I feel as if we have had a million conversations, in my head.
Once, a long time ago, whilst we were talking on the phone, she asked me: "Whose voice do you hear, in your head?" And truthfully, I hear different voices, including my own, depending on what I am thinking of, and whom, so it varies, but I had to admit, in that moment: "Sometimes, I hear your voice."
(Does she ever hear mine? I wonder. And deep inside of me, I believe: Yes. She does.)
Someday, maybe. Who knows.
Just checked out Over the Rhine Web site. Their new double-CD is out, but of course I can't find it anywhere. Might order it tomorrow. I know of at least one great song on it: "Anything at All," something I downloaded from them a couple of years ago (live version). I really love it.
True, it's no "Latter Days," but ... still great.
Anything At All
Words and Music: Karin Bergquist
I follow you from town to town
I need it
I'm better off when you're around
I mean it
Sooner or later
Things will all come around again
Sooner or later
I won't need anything
Anything at all
I walk these streets alone at night
When it hurts me
A perfect life's an oversight
You curse me
Should've known better
Than this esoteric love
Down to the letter
It don't mean anything
Anything at all
You and I
I wrestle with these guilty thoughts
And I'm losing
You're all I am, I'm what you're not
Sooner or later
Things will all come around for good
Sooner or later
I won't need anything
Anything at all
:: Di 10:49:00 PM [+] ::
:: Saturday, August 30, 2003 ::
Glorious rain ...
:: Saturday, August 23, 2003 ::
... is falling.
Pelting the window and roof. Dripping off the awning.
And as grateful as I am that this moderate deluge waited until AFTER the game — trust me when I say that you do NOT want to cover a football game in the rain! — I have missed the rain enough that I would have tolerated a bit of it. Actually, it did rain, some, but not enough to cause me any real problems.
And now it is coming down. Steadily. Beautifully.
It has been SO long. I honestly cannot remember the last time it rained. Is it possible I had forgotten what it was like? For a moment today, I honestly thought that I had. And I stepped outside my front door, and watched it fall, and listened, and I was like, "Nah, I haven't forgotten!" Then I took a lil' nap, listening to the rain as I drifted into slumberland.
Got a coupla candles going now. Accidentally stumbled upon the late-night showing of All My Children, so I've got that going, too. I cannot say I am happy about being halfway hooked on this show, but ... at least I am in good company.
Whatta week it has been. Whatta coupla weeks, actually. Teachers' strike going on, and me sort of in limbo regarding what I'm supposed to be covering. Which has been OK by me, reaally, because I have also had the start of classes to contend with. Which has been fine, really, because I am teaching only one (boi-oi-oi-oing!) class this semester ... although I could certainly use some extra cash ... but we won't go into that just yet.
So, I have been in la-la land over the end of summer/start of school, and almost everyone at work as been in some kinda frenzy. I was talking about it to Tee-Hee last week, and she was like, "It sounds like that place is turning you into a woman. I won't HAVE them turning you into a woman!"
Which is kind of funny, really, because of course I AM a woman (hear me roar!), but somehow I knew exactly what she meant, and I took it as the ULTIMATE compliment. And I am certainly NOT turning into a woman, at least not in terms of some of the bitching and moaning and complaining and back-stabbing and what-not that is currently going on, but it does tend to wear on a person. Even a person who is pretty damn good (if I say so myself, which I do) at blocking almost 99.99% of it out.
Anyway, 'round about this time, I start thinking about "getting out," which I have not sat down and honestly done in ... quite some time. And I thought about following through on my idea of proposing a created position at a place I really want to work full-time — and just when I was putting my "plan" together, I heard about an ACTUAL opening there! And I decided to apply.
That put me in a bit of a tizzy because I tend to get all keyed-up and nervous about job searches and stuff, even though I actually really like the entire process of it all, and the excitement. And that was all mixed-in with the strike stuff, and bad work stuff, and everything else. BUT: I did get everything put together, and I submitted it all today, and if the place recognizes my outstanding qualities, I am sure I will be hired.
And if not: I will look somewhere else. No big deal.
I got this note today:
How 'bout that: A fan letter?! This brought tears to my eyes, especially when I read it on a day I knew I was submitting an application to somewhere else. Ah, it's all OK; I know that the paper will continue to be a part of my life, and if my professional life could go the way I'd like it to over the next little while, I would get the new job AND continue to teach classes AND do some writing for the newspaper.
I have wanted to let you know for several years now how much I appreciate your coverage of school sports. I've always thought that you have a unique ability to capture a little "something extra" in both your photography and your coverage of the events themselves ... Thank you for the important work that you do. I don't know how we've managed to keep someone of your caliber in our small community this long.
A long-time fan,
THAT would be perfect, at least for the here and now.
Something else that would be perfect is if one of my chat pals would somehow miraculously appear online, right now, and engage me in a conversation. Yeah, that would be perfect.
But what's wonderful, for right now, is that it's Labor Day weekend, and I have 3 days off and no real plans. Plus: Laundry is done, and that, in itself, gives me an optimistic outlook.
Which is what I usually have, anyway: optimism. And I do right now, even if the past few days have been a bit of a downer.
And one of my roses is getting ready to bloom again, probably in a couple of days.
:: Di 12:39:00 AM [+] ::
"Sometimes I feel like I am just floating through life."
:: Monday, August 18, 2003 ::
Just typed that in a chat with my mother, just now. I think she understands; she said she's been doing that her whole life, and that she has no regrets.
I have no regrets.
OK, maybe a couple. But even those are ... mostly situations I wish I had listened to my head instead of my heart.
I have been feeling ... very tired. Probably because school started last Monday up at the college and the high school teachers here are on strike, and basically my summer has come to an end ... sorta.
And: I am in need of a new professional challenge. And I shall leave it at that, for now, but I know in my heart that it is time.
And when I get like this, I have a very difficult time writing. Expressing myself. Etc.
I mean, I have all these thoughts ... but I just cannot get myself to commit them to blahg. Or even regular paper.
:: Di 10:49:00 PM [+] ::
Morning has broken.
:: Sunday, August 17, 2003 ::
Turned on the radio just now to the most annoying guitar riffs imaginable and then quickly recognized "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel. And it was right at my favorite part of the song:
Chubby Checker, Psycho,
Which I particularly like because of that "Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!" background music, just like the movie!
Belgians in the Congo ...
Not sure I slept at all, except I do remember dreaming. Specifically: I am waiting for my luggage to come through the conveyor, and I see my camera bag, finally, but it is completely empty, and my friend is waiting for her camera bag, also, and then we see them, connected together, strewn outside of any kind of bag. (Yet another reason I always carry-on my camera bag.)
In another dream, I am custom ordering a Porsche Corvette (??) for some kind of photo. The car has the most plush leather interior I have ever seen, but oddly, its maximum speed tops out somewhere in the 90s.
Not like any Porsche Corvette I've ever seen or heard of!!
:: Di 6:47:00 AM [+] ::
:: Sunday, August 10, 2003 ::
I have JUST discovered THE BEST chocolate ice cream EVER:
Ben & Jerry's Brownie Batter
I can't even write about it. Yes, it is THAT good!
OK, so it's been a few days. And I haven't been writing in here. But to be honest, I have been trying to enjoy my final few days of Freedom. Yes, the last days of summer. Had a whole shitload of stuff I wanted to write about after my 4-day trip to Cincy-turned 3-day trip to St. Louie ... just never got around to doing it.
Major purchases: A Yonex badminton racket (!!!), some Prince tennis shoes and a white Nike T-shirt with "work hard. player harder." on the front of it. WHICH I happened to spy at the tennis shop (in kids' sizes). And, coincidentally, the place had just gotten a shipment of adult sizes of the shirt earlier that day ... and I think I got one before they marked 'em up, price-wise.
Also bought Abre Los Ojos (the original Spanish version of Vanilla Sky, one of my absolute faves) and another foreign film that I kept seeing every time I went into a video store, Talk to Her. Haven't managed to watch either one of them just yet.
Gotta type my syllabus. Bleh. School's starting tomorrow. Double-bleh.
:: Di 4:49:00 PM [+] ::
What, no archives?
:: Saturday, August 09, 2003 ::
This is kinda weird. I checked out the journal, after my last post, and found that my archives are sorta gone. As in Elvis: "Let's get real real gone."
As in: Gone.
I hate that word, I think: Gone. I have heard it too many times. I really don't like it.
:: Di 12:18:00 AM [+] ::
:: Thursday, August 07, 2003 ::
Sudden abrupt change in travel plans, and I am actually feeling a bit relieved by it all.
Suffice it to say that I will be heading west instead of east, thanks to Andre Agassi's withdrawal from whatever tournament it is that he was supposed to play in next week. So now: Bring on the Cardinals!
I don't even mind. Less driving. And maybe more time to get some KRAP done around here before *gasp* the dreaded start of school. Week after this. Bleh!
I really need to get that novel finished. Or started.
Now playing, movie-wise: Jerry Maguire. OK, so I watched a big chunk of it last night, and now I am watching it again. And mainly because I keep watching Tommy for those expressions he makes, also, in Vanilla Sky, and because I think Renee Zellweiger (sp? I'm never quite sure) is cute, and because they play Bruce's "Secret Garden" later in the movie. This is a pretty good flick.
:: Di 9:22:00 PM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, August 06, 2003 ::
Actually, this is Alexis. Yes, I have named my rosebuds in honor of/tribute to 3 people who have died: Alexis is the first bud to open fully and, of course, is dedicated to Alexis Sanders; Virginia honors my grandmother, Virginia May Crum; and Jake, the shy bud that has yet to open, is named for Jake Longley, a student of mine whom I knew for only 2 weeks. These are the most beautiful rosebuds I have ever seen. Truly. (And not just because they're mine, but ...)
I know they aren't meant to last forever; in fact, their time on this earth will be so brief, compared to, even, a 5-year-old. However, they have already brought me so much happiness.
And beauty. Oh, the beauty!
And now, I have this passage in my mind, from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery:
And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye," he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember."
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose —" said the prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose ..."
"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
:: Di 12:43:00 PM [+] ::
It ain't rocket science.
:: Sunday, August 03, 2003 ::
Trying to talk/walk my mom through the process of finding and then opening a file on her computer reminds me a little of what the NASA engineers on the movie Apollo 13 went through when they tried to tell those astronauts how to fix their spaceship. In outer space. From Houston.
Except: At least the astronauts had parachutes.
Ah, I wish I could include the entire chat transcript! She is such a total DOLL sometimes.
I am also totally in love with my sister right now.
She found out this morning that one of her students had died in a car accident. She was worried all day yesterday after hearing about the wreck, and today, she was just devastated.
Debra doesn't know exactly what she's going to say to her students (she teaches a class of 4-year-olds at a daycare center). She is sad, and her co-workers are sad, and she wants to help her kids through this terribly sad event.
"We are one big family," she told me. "I just hope that I know what it is that I am supposed to be doing."
Somehow, I know she will do exactly the right thing. I really adore her.
Song in my head, right now: "Why" by Annie Lennox. Matter o' fact, I just put it on ye olde turntable — which, of course, is actually the CD player. I really MUST get the Diva album, although this version of the song, from SNL: The Live performances, is pretty good, too. Funny, I have 2 copies of Annie's first album on cassette because I thought I'd lost one of them but then found it, somewhere. And I've got "Why" on the Boys on the Side soundtrack, also on cassette.
OK, a few days back, I noticed that my lil' rose bushes actually seemed to be growing a bit — this, after 3 months of basically just sitting there in the flower box I'd transplanted them in. Then, a couple of days ago, I saw a bud on all 3 of the plants! And today, they began to open:
I have named this flower Alexis. For a girl I do not know named Alexis, who would have turned 5 tomorrow and would have started kindergarten in a couple of weeks, had her life not ended at 2:30 this morning.
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Rest in Peace, Alexis Sanders (August 7, 1998-August 6, 2003)
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind ...
— From "Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood" by William Wordsworth
:: Di 10:09:00 PM [+] ::
Lost in the '80s
Got the "Saturday Night '80s" program going on 98.9 FM right about now. Four candles lit here in the living room. This would be a perfect time for a glass o' wine, IF I drank wine. Which I generally don't.
Now playing on my stereo: "Pride (In the Name of Love)" by Bono & The Boys (U2).
Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky-y!
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride ...
Possibly the first U2 song I ever heard. No, wait: I believe that was "A Sort of Homecoming." Both of them off The Unforgettable Fire CD, which I have. Along with the cassette. "Pride" was the first U2 video I ever saw. Although I think I saw "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" video pretty early, too.
Good night, tonight. Saw Judy & Stephanie for the first time since ... I can't even remember. Kept meaning to call Jude this summer but somehow hadn't managed to, yet. Then I got a postcard from the 2 of them from their recent trip — and then, the same day, The Lovely saw Judy at Wal-Mart. We both decided we needed to see them tonight. A walk through the mall, dinner at Murphy's, quality time at Target and then dessert at Bob Evans.
Not sure quite what's ahead for Sunday ...
Finished the 26 Things album/gallery and got it posted in time — but then decided I needed to re-submit it in an easier-to-view format, so I uploaded everything to a FotoPages site, which can be found here. Hopefully. And also here.
I had fun doing this, and I might "assign" myself such projects in the future. Maybe not 26 things at one time, but maybe a word or 2, here and there, just for fun. I'm kinda glad I had only a week to work on this project, actually; I have a feeling I might have overthunk it if I'd had the entire month of July. I also like that about half of the photos were from shots I had taken throughout the month — like this was all a little piece of my life, really.
And in a way, it's all perfect, because my life has sort of been very much about photography these past several weeks.
And — always, it seems — about a girl.
I had kinda funky-cool hair tonight and wore a snappy paisley shirt.
:: Di 12:59:00 AM [+] ::