:: The Freewheelin' Di Winson ::

The lyrics of my life, along with various musical selections
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JUN 66: I am 14 months old in this photo, and I am smiling because I have a new baby sister ... or maybe because I have just peed in the pool.
[::..About Me..::]
I am an American.
I type really fast.
I am left-eye dominant.
I brush & floss regularly.
I am not as funny as I think I am, sometimes.
I was born on Easter.
I believe in music.
I play tennis.
I do not work quietly without disturbing others.
I am a procrastinator.
I watch certain movies just because I know they will make me cry.
I am not my fucking khaki cargo shorts.
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:: Thursday, October 30, 2003 ::

But then again ...

I DO like the idea of being "easy." Because I know that I am really not. There is nothing easy or uncomplicated about me, thanks to me. I have simple wants and simple needs, and yet I am compelled to make everything more complex because of my tendency to over-analyze.


Ran across a random blog the other day, someone analyzing what kind of chess piece he would be, IF he were a chess piece.

(Let me state, for the record, that I prefer checkers. Mainly 'cause it is easier and does not take as long.)

I would be one of the white chess pieces. Not because of any racial issues because I really do not HAVE any racial issues, but because white would match my tennis shoes. Although earlier today, I did have on my black Timberlands. So, hmm ... should I rethink?

I really like white pawns. Not sure why.

Wow, I am having drain bamage right now and cannot even recall which piece it is that can go forward or side-to-side. Ah, a rook, I think. I like those because when I was at EIU, I lived in a castle-looking dorm, next to Old Main, which really is/was a castle ... or at least it looks just like one.

But I do not wanna be a rook. Nor a bishop, although I like moving those — ZING!! all the way down the line to knock someone off the board. Gotta love the queen, too, but NOT the king. One space, any direction. Not much better than a pawn.

I would likely be a knight. Two steps up and 1 step diagonally. Kinda like one step forward and 2 steps back. My usual course.

If I were a knight, though, I would have to be black.

Black knight. No stars.


:: Di 4:37:00 PM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, October 29, 2003 ::
And ...

Turns out the same guy who gave me that awesome quote today in class ALSO was talking about how TOUGH of a grader I am. Which beats the hell outta what a couple of former students said about me a few years back:


: )

I love REM, but Michael Stipe has some kind of weird greenish makeup or something above his ears and on his eyebrows right now as I am watching Charlie Rose. Strange. I do love their music, however, and I am QUITE excited about this new album or whatever. Especially if it's some kinda greatest hits compilation or something because maybe now I can compile my ultimate REM mix without buying a whole bunch-a CDs.

And would I ever have loved them if Reckoning hadn't played practically nonstop during my days (a.k.a. nights) at the Uptowner??! Who knows.

Speaking of love:

I watched Whale Rider for the 2nd time, and I didn't think it was possible to love it even more than I did the 1st time, but ... I did. Partly because midway through it, Debra called and we had a beautiful conversation (no tears! and that was very cool), and partly because I was stretched out on my couch, and the volume was cranked, and the living room was totally dark, except for the screen.

And I love the story.

I love that Paikea knows, somehow, that her grandfather loves her, and how she NEVER gives up.


:: Di 10:18:00 PM [+] ::
"Beats math."

Quite possibly the best compliment any student has ever said about the English class I teach.

: )

:: Di 3:25:00 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, October 28, 2003 ::

Got my Whale Rider DVD today. Bought Beckham while I was at it 'cause I heard it's good, so I am ready for a Film Fest ... not tonight, though, but only because I got a little sidetracked ... heh ... but not THAT kinda sidetracked.

Truthfully, I got a flu shot today and found myself a little "out of it" late this afternoon.

Not that I'm old, or even that I believe in flu shots, necessarily. Started getting them about ... oh, 7 or 8 years ago, maybe? Right around the time I started teaching. Figured with all the winter crud, might as well do whatever I could to protect myself from it.

However, the best illness-preventive measure I ever took was getting a humidifier. Does wonders for combating the "dry heat" from the gas furnace ... which I don't even have access to at the moment. As I mentioned earlier.

Anyhoo, about 5 years ago, I came home from work around midday after having gotten a flu shot that morning, and I went TOTALLY loopy! I mean, it was as if I was in some kind of drug-induced stupor — all dreamy and out of it and mellow. It was awesome! And all I could do was lie in my bed and just sort of "float."

I have hoped for that kind of reaction every year since. To no avail. Dammit!

I did crash this afternoon for a while. That was sweet ... except I'm not sure I've fully awakened. And I need to put together a quiz. Ah, well, I suppose it can wait until tomorrow.

: )

(I love my life. Even when I am sad or wistful.)

Back to the movies:

I was all happy 'cause Wally World had my movie(s), and I didn't have to drive all the way to Best Buy. Which would've been OK, actually, because I was already jonesing (this is officially the first time I am using the term "jonesing" in an actual sentence!) for a Jimmy John's sandwich. But then I was glad not to be going anywhere this afternoon.

:: Di 9:08:00 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, October 27, 2003 ::
I once was cold, but now am ... not so cold.

And yet, it ain't too warm in here, neither.

Still no furnace because, hmm, there's still no gas at my place. Apparently, according to my landlord (suddenly having an Eddie Murphy/SNL flashback: "KEE my lan-lo! KEE my lan-lo!"), no one wants to fix gas lines because no one wants to crawl under a house because it's cold and damp and there's bugs 'n' stuff.

Well, DUH! That's why electricians and plumbers and general fix-it people get paid all kinds of good money, right? Because, 1. They know how to do things that most people don't, and 2. They do things that most people wouldn't want to do, even if they could. Right?

My hands are warm, though, and the lil' electric space heater is doing its trick. And I've got the sleeping bag to cover up with tonight when I go to beddie-bye ... although a warm body next to me would be MUCH better ... but I suppose I might as well not EVEN go there.

Racheal Ray would be supremely annoying if she weren't so cute. And I must admit I did try the BK savory mustard chicken baguette solely because I saw her in the commercial. And it was pretty good, plus it comes with a salad instead o' fries, if you wish, and in fact I've had it twice within the last 4 days. So THERE.

And now she's making some kind of Bloody Mary steak sauce. For Halloween! Rock on, Racheal Ray!

:: Di 5:16:00 PM [+] ::
:: Sunday, October 26, 2003 ::
Fall back

I think the time change has already fucked me up a little.

Now playing (in my head): "Fall on Me" by REM.

I could go on a MAJOR REM tangent, I believe. First, though, I have a couple of Annie Lennox CDs to get. And maybe the new Simon & Garfunkel CD. However, that would entail a trip to Wally World, and ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt! That is quite likely NOT gonna happen any time soon.

Hopefully not any time today, anyway.

:: Di 7:30:00 AM [+] ::
:: Saturday, October 25, 2003 ::
I found a way to make you smile.

Yeah, that's right ...

Now playing: "At My Most Beautiful" by REM. Listening to Me (2003) 'cause it's Saturday night and I'm feeling remarkably good, and ... yeah.

Saw Mystic River tonight. I was kind of afraid to, sorta, because I'd been wanting to see it for about a month ... and sometimes if I look too forward to something, it's not as great as I'd hoped, but this was pretty good. Still, I found myself wanting a little more.

(Don't I always??!)

: )

Now playing: "Anything at All" by Over the Rhine.

:: Di 10:39:00 PM [+] ::
:: Friday, October 24, 2003 ::
Wow, some people will write about ANYTHING.

Finally brought home the bottle o' Bailey's I'd been keeping in the filing cabinet at work. Technically, I think it belongs to Lea; bought it as part of her Christmas gift in last year's exchange, to fill up the 5 shot glasses I'd gotten her during my trip to Reno, by way of Dallas and Vegas.

Decided I wanted a lil' nightcap tonight — Bailey's on ice sounded oh, so nice! — but ended up eating Kit-Kats instead.

Damn! I KNEW I shouldn't've bought that bag of mini-candy bars. Got it for "Halloween." Yeah, right: AS IF I'm gonna turn on the porch light and hand out candy next Friday night. Although ... in all likelihood, if I am not working, here is where I will be.

It's obvious I shouldn't have gotten the bag with all the candy I like: Reese's peanut butter cups, plain Hershey bars, Kit-Kats and Almond Joys. OK, so I can do without the coconut, but still, I like them WAY better than Mounds. If I had a choice.

Hehe: Original Seinfeld episode is playing now. Jerry in bright-red sweatpants. Yikes!

: )

Wow, just noticed Jerry's apt. has a skylight in this episode!

Too much food talk these last coupla posts.

Although it's better than writing about anything I'm actually thinking about.

I feel like I need Cher to come up and slap me in the face and say, "Snap out of it!"

Or maybe: I need a phone call.

Or the opportunity for one absolutely no-bullshit conversation.

"Tongue-tied and twisted, the way I like to be ..."

That's how I'd be, though. Once I picked myself up off the floor, gathered my wits and was actually able to speak.

(Her walls are too high, maybe.)

(Maybe mine are, too.)

:: Di 11:25:00 PM [+] ::
Handheld soup

I like the idea of it, especially now that "soup weather" is officially almost here.

I do not, however, like the idea of burning my mouth on anything. And something about super-heating a thinly styrofoam-covered aluminum can in the microwave, then slapping a plastic lid on it, has "second-degree tongue/lip burn" written all over it.

Still, my curiosity was piqued (peaked? peeked? who knows!) because I kept seeing that Gordon What's-his-name from The Food Network on the new Campbell's commercials, so I picked up a couple of cans of "Soup at Hand" during a recent venture to Target ... which, oddly enough, used to be called Venture.

I avoided any kind of tongue/lip-burning because I ate my soup lid-OFF. With a few Pepperidge Farm goldfish swimming around in it because the Zesta crackers I bought at Farm Fresh had a funky taste — not stale, just ... odd — and I couldn't risk eating them. (Need to toss them out, obviously.) And some American cheese.

I can recommend the Classic Tomato. Tastes pretty much like the regular tomato soup I make using the standard can o' soup and a canful o' skim milk. I considered getting the Creamy Tomato, but for 70 more calories and less Vitamin C, I didn't really see the point, and this Classic Tomato tasted very good. IF you like tomato soup, of course ... which I do.

I cannot recommend the Chicken with Mini Noodles. Blech! I was expecting regular ol' Campbell's chicken noodle, and this didn't taste like it, at all. Not even the golfishies could save this one!

: )

Beautiful day here. Sunny, 69 degrees, and some kind of solar DIsturbance going on, supposedly. A day made even more beautiful because I heard, last night, that Whale Rider DVD is coming out on Tuesday. MAJOR yay!!

And, hopefully, I will see Mystic River sometime this weekend. Can't bear to wait any longer!

:: Di 12:53:00 PM [+] ::
:: Thursday, October 23, 2003 ::
This always happens.

I start to fade out around 9:45 p.m., and then I log back on here to check my inbox (M.T., as usual!), and then after cruising past a few of my favorite sites (insert Julie Andrews' singing here), I begin to get a second wind, and then I am up for the next 2 hours.

Just checked out a couple of random journals and found one that had, in the — which I am actually starting to prefer seeing spelled "teh" because I have a tendency to type it that way whenever I am typing really really fast (fastly?) — very first sentence, a reference to Lufkin, Texas. Which would not strike me as particularly funny except that when I visited Tee-Hee in Dallas back in ... 1996? ... we would turn on The Weather Channel and over Lufkin, Texas, there would ALWAYS be a sun. No clouds.

"It's always sunny in Lufkin," Tee-Hee told me ... and sure enough, every time I have ever checked TWC, Lufkin, Texas, always has a sun over it. And no clouds.


Another journal had, at the end of every entry, a place for people to leave comments. And this online diarist apparently has not been at it all that long; she had only about 10 entries (I didn't count, actually, and in fact, I only skimmed a couple of them), but after every entry, in the place for people to leave comments, it said, "0 comments."

I almost felt a little bad for her.

Not bad enough to leave a comment, though.

: )

(I have no place to leave comments. I figure anyone who knows me and stumbles upon this — probably from having me shove the URL in their face, saying, "Check this out!" — knows my e-mail address. Comments?)

Read a GREAT line from yet another journal. I'm not gonna link to it, so I'm not going to use the exact quote, but he (I'm pretty sure the writer is male) said that writing was the most self-indulgent activity there is, next to masturbation.

: )

Ooh, go-to-commercial music on Yankees-Marlins game just now was the opening of "Sweet Child o' Mine" by Guns 'n' Roses. Crank it, baby!

Startling Realization(s) about Myself o' the Day: I want everything, and I expect too much. Oh, and I like being called "cute." And I'm OK with my co-worker calling me "hon." Matter o' fact, I'm OK with almost ANY woman calling me "hon." Especially cute girls.

: )

:: Di 10:14:00 PM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, October 22, 2003 ::
Sick day

Not a full sick day. Not entirely sure I was "sick," per se, but suffice it to say that the pain in my lower abdominal region was enough to convince me, by 8 a.m., that there was simply no way I was going to be able to stand in front of 16 students and do anything close to something that would qualify as "teaching."

So I spent quite possibly the last good day of the year, weather-wise, in an ibuprofen-induced funk/stupor, lying around watching NYPD Blue tapes (one more to go, and I'm entirely caught up) and All My Children and then napping. Passed out, more like, and when I awoke: Still felt like crap. Bleh.

Good news is, midday tomorrow, hopefully, all will be fine.

Just wish my head would clear.

Oh, it's clear, mostly. Except for the part where I try to imagine My Future and what it's supposed to consist of, career-wise, and the part where I contemplate My Present and what it's missing, personally speaking.

Luckily, I pretty much ignore My Past ... well, at least the part where I am a devious scoundrel, or the segment where I am an annoyingly pesky bother, or all the sections where I am a selfish, inconsiderate brat. No, when I think about My Past, I pretty much dredge up all the parts that make me wistful and wishful and sad and glad, actually, for every step I've taken to get to right where I am now.


I wish everyone I know could see me as I really am.

Today I heard that Elliott Smith died. Made me sad. Not saying I had a bunch of his albums or anything, but I do have the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, and I do like his songs on there ... along with "Baker Street," which I have always had some strange kinda thing for (Maybe it's the sax? Must be the sax!). Oddly enough, it troubles me that some people are referring to him as "Elliot," and in every source I've found, it's actually "Elliott."

Why the hell would that matter?

Maybe sometimes it's easier to focus on entirely inconsequential matters than to admit how you really feel: That the world has lost yet another glad, sad, beautiful soul.

Self-inflicted stab wound to the chest. Brutal.

Good Will Hunting is so excellent, too, and not just because of the music. I related to it in so many ways; I mean, I was never a math whiz, but I do know what it's like to be told at an early age that I was "full of potential." Which, I've come to believe, is actually a blessing and a curse because when you're 38 and haven't really accomplished any kind of big success, professionally, there's always this nagging feeling way in the back of your head that maybe you haven't even begun to live up to what everyone expected out of you, way back when.

But then again: Do I measure success the way others do? No.

Do I like the idea of being a "late bloomer" instead of any kind of "wunderkind"? Absolutely.

And I understand Will Hunting's fears. And his demons. Yes, I do.

I have this line running through my head:

"You can't dance and stay uptight ..." (from "Dancing in the Moonlight")

I believe I need to dance more.

Had a girl tell me, once, that I always danced during our chats ... danced from topic to topic. Looking back, I guess I did it to avoid revealing anything that actually resembled a true feeling.

(I think I liked me better when I didn't think so much.)

: )

:: Di 7:18:00 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, October 21, 2003 ::
Thumbs up!

To the season finale of Nip/Tuck. Had some sorta sweet moments and a clever lil' twist at the end, but for a while there, I was thinking they were going for as many uses of the words "shit" and "asshole" as they could cram into an hour-long show.

For the record:

shit — 4
asshole — 2

Ooh, and I just found out that F/X is gonna show seasons 1 AND 2 of The Shield ... which I managed to get in on only a couple of episodes of season 1 and a couple more during season 2 ... so I am kind of excited.

Actually, a little more excited than I should be, over a TV show.

Get your VCR runnin' ...

:: Di 11:11:00 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, October 20, 2003 ::
It's just a fantasy — whoa-oh-oh-oh!

(It's not the real thing.)

THIS is why I avoid these rotisserie/fantasy league thingies:

Last year, my pal Tee-Hee's hubby, Scott, "hired" me and her to be "assistant coaches" for his fantasy league team, the Detroit Muggers. Tee-Hee and I offered a few random, occasional suggestions, Scott rarely took them, then every other week, he ranted and raved about how he was FIRING us.

We, the assistant coaches who weren't exactly getting paid, anyway!

This year, he talked us into taking part once again ... and, as of this minute, we are 0-7.

We have lost every game.

We have held the lead in some games, but ultimately, we have lost.

(We stink. THAT is reality.)

Last week, I was supposed to submit the lineup; however, with the big Vegas trip, I somehow managed to forget. And, again, we lost ... of course, one of our quarterbacks, Trent Green — who was NOT chosen as a starter (I would've started him) — had an awesome day, and had we started him, we WOULD have won, easily.

This week, I DID submit the lineup ... and, as I may have implied, we are losing again. Trent Green is not having the greatest game. This reeks.

: (

Weird day.

First of all, I awoke singing the aforementioned songs. Then, at work, I had this oddly nervous stomach — and not a single thing to be nervous about! I debated calling in sick at school; I do have that one sick day, and this seemed like the perfect day to take it ... and, I was feeling — well, not exactly sick, not nauseous, really, but strange.

Am I ever really gonna snap outta this funk?

Anyway, here's another song I was singing today:

By the Bee Gees

Smile an everlasting smile
A smile can bring you near to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
'Cause that would bring a tear to me

This world has lost its glory
Let's start a brand new story
Now my love
Right now there'll be no other time
and I can show you
How my love

Talk in everlasting words
And dedicate them all to me
And I will give you all my life
I'm here if you should call to me

You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all I have
To take your heart away

You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all I have
To take your heart away

It's only words, and words are all I have
To take your heart away.

:: Di 10:47:00 PM [+] ::
This a.m., a medley:

"Sleep Just to Dream Her" by Dave Matthews Band

"She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel ("And she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin'")

"When You Were Mine" by Prince (Cyndi Lauper cover)

"When the Stars Go Blue" by Ryan Adams (Corrs/Bono cover — "Are you happy now?")

:: Di 6:38:00 AM [+] ::
:: Sunday, October 19, 2003 ::
I miss "the buzz."

Badly. More than anything else, really.

:: Di 7:51:00 PM [+] ::
:: Saturday, October 18, 2003 ::
The blue button

Something I wrote somewhere else last night/early this a.m., and it's still with me today (thanks in no small part to the technology of cut 'n' paste):

"Listening to my mix and chatting with my pal (no longer on Line 2, but now on AOL IM), and I'm suddenly feeling a little sad ... or something ... over the realization that out of the millions and millions of people in the world, we manage to find each other, and sometimes you find someone really really great ~ and you know that you, yourself, are pretty great, too, but for whatever reason, you missed realizing that about each other, back when it could've really mattered."

And on a technology-related note:

I've had this new computer for approximately a month now, and I admit I don't "explore" all that much ... I basically just find the files and programs and whatevers that I need, and that's that ... but just a minute ago I FINALLY figured out what that blue button on my mouse is for: Scrolling!!


: )

Hmm, I think I thought I had something important to say, but apparently I really don't.

Oh, wait, I did have this thought the other day:

I am relatively good at systematically eliminating the negativity (primarily the people who bitch and moan and complain all the time) from my life, mostly by just ignoring those who are negative. And then yesterday — or maybe it was Wednesday or Thursday, who can remember that far back? — I asked myself: How come I can't ignore MYSELF when I am filled with negativity — or when I insist on thinking thoughts that make me feel bad or sad or otherwise not glad?

Food for thought.

:: Di 10:28:00 PM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, October 15, 2003 ::
Marlins 9, Cubs 6


Funny thing is, earlier tonight, I was DYING for some Chinese food ... actually, I was having a major craving for P.F. Chang's lettuce wraps, but ... no such luck as a P.F. Chang's anywhere near here, so I opted for Full Moon House. Hunan chicken and an order of crab rangoon. Yummy ... even if it wasn't spicy, at all.

My fortune: A pleasant surprise is in store for you.

And I, ever hopeful, thought that perhaps my "pleasant surprise" would be a Cubs victory over the Marlins. Not to be, though.

I believe it came when I started clicking the remote and checking out the preview channel and realized that Before Sunrise was playing on WGN. So I flipped right over and landed right in the middle of the telephone scene.

What a beautiful lil' movie.

So, yeah, that was MY pleasant surprise. And yes, I am incredibly sad over the Cubs' loss. Sadder than I thought I would be, really. But ...

Wait 'til next year!!

:: Di 10:56:00 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, October 14, 2003 ::
Sleeping in

Got back from Vegas about 11:30 last night. I'd already decided I was going to be sick today (heh!), ever since I found out those ol' sick days don't roll over, and I had 3 left to use before year's end. Stayed up 'til about 1 a.m., surfin' around, then called it a night (only 11 p.m. Las Vegas time). Heard some heavy heavy rain sometime around ... who knows? My clock radio was still over at The Lovely's, so I had no clue. Awoke at 7 a.m. to call in sick for work, and thus, my day began.

Slept in 'til 1:30 p.m. And never really woke up, really.

Vegas was cool. Saw my old college floormates and really didn't quite know what to expect, and I was overwhelmed, basically, by their smiles and laughter and tales and appreciation and ... well, just everything. I mean, most of these girls I had not seen since 1987, and it was almost as if we met for coffee just last week.

The entire 3 days were oddly beautiful.

Most of the trip, I kept thinking about the girl who called me (collect! — but only 'cause I said she could) from the Tropicana a few years ago. I always associate her with Vegas because the very first time we talked on the phone, she actually invited me to Vegas. She was going over Memorial Day weekend, and I already knew I wouldn't be able to go — plus, I didn't even KNOW her, really, and I didn't know if she was actually serious, really.

Anyway, the first call from Vegas was on a Friday night (I think), and I missed it, so I tried calling the hotel and asked if they had someone named Miranda staying there. Just Miranda, because of course I didn't know her last name (or her real name, actually, at that point), and the desk clerk was very sweet and charming and actually looked through the reservation list, seeing if she could find anyone named Miranda! But she couldn't. Didn't matter, though, because MFY ended up calling the next afternoon and then again the next night, after I'd spent all day shooting a 50th anniversary party — and had downed SEVERAL Bud Lights in the process.

"You think we'll ever meet?" I asked her.

"Prob'ly not," she said.

She also told me I was pesky. Which I took as a compliment. And then I didn't hear from her for 3 or 4 weeks, and so I assumed that she was blowing me off (again), and then next thing you know: BAM! There she is, again.

: )

I had this thought in my head, at various times but mainly whilst flying:

I don't know what to do with these feelings I have.

(I honestly don't know quite where to put them.)

The flights to and from Vegas had some amazing moments: To, when we flew over the Grand Canyon, which I have yet to visit in person (Eiffel Tower, my ass!), and Hoover Dam, which I have visited; and from, when the sky off to the right was filled with lightning, all across the horizon — brilliant!

Even the turbulence was kinda fun. Especially because the cute girl next to me was kinda nervous, and her hubby was kinda drunk and gently kidding her, and we all kinda bonded for a few minutes, and then the plane landed and we went our separate ways and that was that.

Maybe that's sort of what life is all about: How we interact with one another for varying amounts of time, and we affect each other, and then we go on our merry separate ways.

Back to work tomorrow, yet I refuse to stress out about it. Got my handout all ready for class, so that's one less thing to think about.

:: Di 11:22:00 PM [+] ::
:: Thursday, October 09, 2003 ::
A perfect day

I am not sure I have ever seen a day that so perfectly reflects ME. How I feel, how I am, etc.

Cloudy and gray/grey all day. The kinda clouds (which I just typo'd "coulds") that look as if they don't really wanna be clouds and might actually prefer simply being fog that could dissipate at any moment. Drizzle all afternoon ... which was nap-inducing, despite the fact I actually slept almost 8 hours last night, quite a rarity. Rained just enough to almost get me out of having to do any work tonight. Now it's a little muggy out.

Like it just can't decide what it wants to be outside. Late summer? Early fall?

And in 29 hours — if I counted correctly, on my fingers — I will be embarking on my Vegas trip. To see 6 girls from my college days, most of whom I have not seen since Graduation Day, 1987 (which I nearly typed as "1997" — wishful thinking!), and I have to admit I am very excited but staying in my usual low-key mode.

And I am wondering what they will think of me. Have I changed? And if so: Has it been for the better?

The funny thing is, most of these girls I did not know overly well whilst I was in college. We were all floormates, but I spent most of my time at the campus newspaper or my favorite bar, which meant that when most of the hijinks were going on back at the dorm, I was elsewhere.

Plus, I tended to have a very high degree of self-centeredness back in the day. I like to blame it on the whole self-discovery process, but truthfully, I was just sort of a mess. A far-too-introspective, deep-thinking mess.

And I ask myself: Have I changed? And if so: Has it been for the better?

I think too much about a girl who — let's be honest, I did an undefendable thing, and I hurt her, and for me to convince myself, even for a second, that she could even begin to forgive me ... let alone forget ... well, I am not that unrealistic. And yet, still, somewhere in her soul, I want her to see me and to know that the good stuff outweighs the bad ... but it's not something that I can convince someone of, if she doesn't already know it.

I hate futility.

And yet: I do believe in miracles.

And suddenly I have this line from "Raining in Baltimore" in my head, once again:

What would (which I just typed as "sould") you change if you could?

What would I change?

No use thinking about it. I can't change anything. I can only learn, and grow, and improve, and live.

Live. Laugh. Love.

:: Di 11:20:00 PM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, October 08, 2003 ::
I love my mommy.

My mom has been watching the playoffs. ONLY because she knows I love the Cubs.


(Marlins drool!!)

Cubs 2, Marlins 0, top o' the 2nd ... more later, perhaps.

:: Di 7:50:00 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, October 07, 2003 ::
Marlins 9, Cubs 8 (11 innings)

My stomach was churning late in this game, and I honestly believed the Cubs would win it when Sammy hit a 2-out, 2-run homer in the bottom of the 9th. Alas, they did not.

On a related note, however, the game ended JUST as Seinfeld was coming on.

Always a silver lining ...

: )

:: Di 11:09:00 PM [+] ::
:: Sunday, October 05, 2003 ::

Holy cow! Is it really possible?

So, I sat there and watched the entire game ... flipping between FOX and NBC (Law & Order: Criminal Intent) because, honestly, I just can't take it when the Cubs are playing ... and they won! And looked good doing it! And when it was over, I had actual TEARS in my eyes ... again!

(I don't know about this "kinder, gentler Di Winson." I make me a little nervous.)

And right now, I am in no mood for anyone who doesn't agree with me. Or doesn't like me. Or doesn't treat me right. Not that I know anyone like that, actually, because if I did: I have to think I'd just ignore them.

* shrug *

I wish I lived closer to my sister. I could see her every day, and that still would not be enough.

:: Di 10:46:00 PM [+] ::
A dream

Last night/this morning I had a dream that I found out my online "crunch" was actually someone that I'd gone to college with, a girl who lived in my dorm the first couple of years I was there. (A girl I actually DID have a crush on, for a couple of months, anyway!) And when I "met" her in person, she was a shorter version of this girl, and all of a sudden my crunch was GONE.

Just like that.

Made a Lu mix today for Tee-Hee. Hope she likes it, but she probably won't. But that's OK.

Cubs are winning, 2-0. I can hardly bear to watch. Hence, I am here, type-type-typing away. With an occasional glance to my left.

:: Di 7:51:00 PM [+] ::
All things considered ...

I am glad this is a new day.

:: Di 11:33:00 AM [+] ::
:: Saturday, October 04, 2003 ::
Me (2003)

Finished the mix. Yesterday, actually. Whilst it was raining, and I was contemplating work for the evening, and I wasn't all that happy about it, but I was happy about my mix. And, for a few hours, that was really all that mattered.


So I am listening to my mix as I write. Got 2 candles lit: One on the TV, and it's not long for the world because I have a BAD feeling it's gonna drip (and I can't have THAT on the ol' 27-incher!), and one on top of the bookcase, which also holds the stereo. Which, interestingly enough (??), I realized that I can turn off the power to the outlet next to the bookcase by flipping the switch next to the porch-light switch, both of which are located next to the front door. (Discovered this, quite by accident, as I flipped the switches waiting for the Dominomino's guy to arrive.)

1. "The Saddest Song I've Got" by Annie Lennox — I've babbled about this song already, but the more I listen to it, the more I love it. And I hate to admit, I wasn't totally turned on by the rest of Bare, but this song made it all worthwhile. And I WILL give the CD another chance.

"And I'm frozen, still / Unspoken, still / Heartbroken / Remembering something I forgot ... something I forgot."

2. "At My Most Beautiful" by REM — This song simply makes me smile. And remember.

"I read bad poetry ...

AND I write it, occasionally. : )

3. "Time" by Tori Amos (cover of Tom Waits' song) — So pretty. And sad.

"It's raining hammers, it's raining nails ..."

Non-sequitur: I am going to resign as editor of the SITA Yearbook tomorrow, and I think I am a little sad about this. Not that I'm not tired of doing it; I'm just feeling a little sad. WEIRD.

Oh, and I had stuffed peppers for lunch, and they were FAB.

4. "Anything at All" by Over the Rhine — OK, it took approximately 2 days and probably 20 playings (is that even a word?), but yeah, the album version (as opposed to the "live" version I downloaded some time ago) has grown on me. Dig the guitar and piano and stuff. And Karin's voice ... whoa. She is presently my FAVORITE vocalist.

Although I still appreciate the way it sounds as if she's saying, "You-ooh and Di" on the live version. She seems to omit the "d" on this one. On the other hand, she does say, "Sooner or later, things will all turn around for good" and it sounds like, "fo' gouda" on this one! And THAT makes me smile.

"You're all I am, I'm what you're not ... confusing."

5. "Ghost in You" by Counting Crows (cover of Psychedelic Furs' song) — I am in love with this song. I suspect I always will be. My only wish is that I had a recording of John Madory and that redheaded girl named Karen singing it at the Uptowner/Celllar on Open Mic Night.

"Angels fall like rain ... and love, love, love, love is only heaven away."

Of course, Adam doesn't sing the "love, love, love, love" part. And I love, love, love, LOVE that part. Ah, well.

6. "The Stranger" by Melissa Ferrick — The song that made me fall in love with Melissa's music.

"Now I give up, I surrender; I would wait for you ... forever."

Off-topic: It's kind of amusing writing in my online journal and chatting with my mom at the same time!

7. "I'm So Open" by the Cowboy Junkies — Probably my most recent addition to the ol' favorites list o' mine.

"I'll hold you 'til the morning comes, 'cause it's all I can do."

8. "Diamond Road" by Sheryl Crow — I've loved this song since the first time I heard it. So many great lines amongst its lyrics ...

"Keep the memory of your face, but wipe the pain away."

"Every road has led us here today."

"Give me something of your soul so you don't fade away."

9. "Kite" by U2 — I could've put about half of the All That You Can't Leave Behind CD on here, but this is the song I was singing in my head over the last coupla days, so ... there ya go.

"I know that this is not goodbye."

10. "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" by Barenaked Ladies (cover of Bruce Cockburn's song) — Another song I've always loved, so far by both artists I've heard sing it.

"Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
Gotta kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight."

11. "And On" by Yaz — How long have I adored this group ... which I didn't even DIscover until long after they'd broken up? Oh, well. "Nobody's Diary" song is awesome, but I had to include this one. Played it a lot after losing Nini and Grandma.

"I ran my fingers through the long grass, willing it to turn into your hair ..."

12. "Fourth Time Around" by Bob Dylan — The song when Sofia is removing the mask from David's face ...

"You took me in ... you loved me then ... you didn't waste time."

13. "Small Swift Birds" by the Cowboy Junkies — Hmm, a repeat artist, but the Junkies are worth repeating. I just can't let go of this song.

"Just forgetting how fucking lucky you are to have found her in such a crowd."

14. "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell — Sometimes, I wish I'd been a teen-ager when Joni was in her prime. I would've been in love, I just know it.

"And if you care, don't let them know ... don't give yourself away ..."

15. "Two of Us" by Aimee Mann & Michael Penn — This is such a perky song. I adore it.

"You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead ..."

16. "Paradise" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band — One of the saddest songs ever. Period. (I adore it, too.)

"I visit you in another dream ... I visit you in another dream.
I reach and feel your hair; your smell lingers in the air.
I brush your cheek with my fingertips. I taste the void upon your lips.
And I wait for paradise ... I wait for paradise."

Honestly, I can't listen to this song without welling up. Which begs the question: Well, Di, then WHY do you listen to this song? And I say, well, sometimes, I just have to.

17. "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles — This song just makes me feel good.

"Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting ..."

Wow, that felt good. And now I won't be compelled to write anything else about my mix. Other than I dig it. Cool.

Ooh, and just as I said that, another mix has begun ... one I made early last year, seeking forgiveness, but never sent (I only would've gotten it back, anyways, so it's just as well). First song on here: "Purple Rain" by James (cover of Prince's great, great song) ... and it just gets better from there.

: )

:: Di 10:25:00 PM [+] ::
:: Friday, October 03, 2003 ::

Yeah, that's what I have been over the last hour or so.

Accessed my inbox via Yahooie! whilst I was still at the office and found e-mails from 2 women I adore. Just a link from MFY, so I left it for later, and an ultra-sweet note from The Lovely, praising my photography skills.

: )

Then I opened the link: Info on a sequel to Before Sunrise.

I honest-to-fucking God thought my heart was going to explode.

Instead, I simplycried. Quietly.

:: Di 12:32:00 PM [+] ::
:: Thursday, October 02, 2003 ::

Got my new Over the Rhine CD, Ohio, in the mail today. Listened to the first 8 songs, and so far, pretty damn good. Not sure I like the "studio" version of "Anything at All" as well as the live one, but ... I've only listened to the former one time. I am certain it will grow on me in no time.

Found a gem of a sentence in Linford's liner notes:

"We talked about how we're often more interesting when we're misunderstood."

That is SO me.

And that's all I've got to say about THAT.

:: Di 10:23:00 PM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, October 01, 2003 ::

Jim Rome actually made me cry today whilst I was driving to school.

I don't remember exactly what the sports radio host said, but he was sticking up for Ed Gray, some sports reporter who apparently came out (today?). In part because he (Gray) apparently has grown tired of hearing the insults and derogatory remarks toward homosexuals during his years spent covering professional sports.

Romeo was wonderful. He acknowledged that pro athletes do toss around words like "fag" and "queer" (he later referred to the words as "f-bombs" and "q-bombs," which made me smile ... mostly because I adore the term "f-bomb" 'cause it reminds me of Teresa), and that this should not happened, and he displayed an open-mindedness and understanding that made me want to reach right through the radio and give him a big ol' smooch.

Anyhoo, I don't always agree with Jim Rome ... but then again, I usually do. Today I fell in love with him.

Then he made me laugh OUT LOUD with his sarcastic remarks regarding "reality TV." Wish I could remember exactly what he said, but I was running late for class and just couldn't jot down any of his gems. I do recall something about "skanks eating spiders" or some such nonsense.

Jim Rome, you rock my world!

: )

This evening I got "fuck-you"-ed not once but twice by my very first girlfriend. We were discussing a romantic entanglement, and she asked me when and where and if I'd really consider it, and I answered with some reason why I wouldn't, and then added, "that, and common sense" ... and I don't think she appreciated that response, so she hurled the first f-bomb (see! I adore it!), and then I laughed it off and told her I was just kidding, and I got the second f-bomb.

Felt pretty good, I have to admit. Better than it should have.

: )

No Cubs tix for me. I logged on to www.cubs.com at 8 a.m. sharp, clicked on "TICKETS" and was promptly sent to some Virtual Waiting Room (much like a regular waiting room, 'cept: no magazines), which kept updating every coupla minutes, only to flash a message sometime around 8:48 a.m. that said they were OUT of Cubs tickets.

Which makes me think I probably shoulda started logging in around 8 p.m. instead.

Tonight's game: Braves 5, Cubs 3; series tied, 1-1.

Back to Chicago, baby. Best 2 of 3 now. Go, Cubs!

Chicago Cubs Song

Hey, hey, holy mackerel,
No doubt about it:
The Cubs are on their way!

The Cubs are gonna hit today
They're gonna pitch today
They're gonna field today
Come what may,
The Cubs are gonna win today!

Hey, hey, holy mackerel
No doubt about it:
The Cubs are on their way

They've got the hustle
They've got the muscle
The Chicago Cubs are on their way!

I sang part of that to The Lovely last night. She just looked at me and said, "I didn't know the Cubs HAD a song." I told her they did.

I do wish my pals could at least FAKE a little enthusiasm. On the other hand, that'd make it even sweeter if the Cubs could actually go all the way.

:: Di 11:23:00 PM [+] ::

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