Hero

When the Stars Go Blue

Dancin’ where the stars go blue
Dancin’ where the evening fell
Dancin’ in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin’ out on 7th Street
Dancin’ through the Underground
Dancin’ little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you’re lonely?
Where do you go when you’re blue?
Where do you go when you’re lonely?
I’ll follow you
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover’s tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you’re lonely?
Where do you go when you’re blue?
Where do you go when you’re lonely?
I’ll follow you
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars, when the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue, blue, blue
Stars go blue
When the stars go blue

Where do you go when you’re lonely?
Where do you go when you’re blue, yeah?
Where do you go when you’re lonely?
I’ll follow you, I’ll follow you, I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you, I’ll follow you, yeah
Where do you go, yeah?
Where do you go?
Where do you go?

— Ryan Adams, as sung by The Corrs and Bono

Damn, I love this song. Matter o’ fact, my first online journal was called “Are You Happy Now?” (I was not.) I would link to it if I had any idea what the link was, but I do not. It was a tiresome collection of self-pity and self-whatever-you-call-it-when-you-are-constantly-beating-yourself-up — deservedly so, but man, what torture to write. And re-read. Good riddance, I say.

And meanwhile, I keep fucking up my margins.

But it is ALL good.

Good day at work, good nap (weird dream, but ...), then around 4 p.m. I headed to the theater to see Hero. And I knew the odds were pretty good that I would like it because the girl who has NEVER steered me wrong, movie-wise, had recommended it ... and once again, she was correct.

It was beautiful.

And as I told her, I was one of only a handful of people in the theater, and the rest were all men, so I was feeling trés butch — until the film actually started, of course, and I quickly realized it was NOT going to be all about the duels (Hero is so NOT The Matrix, in any of its versions). No, it was much more complicated, and much simpler, than all that: Love, honor, betrayal, art. Oh, and some kick-ass sword duels!

: )

I think we all have opportunities to do heroic deeds, every day, in the small choices that we make. Damn, there is a quote I vaguely recall from one of my favorite TV shows, Judging Amy, regarding morality, in which Vincent says (to Amy, I believe) that it is not some grand act or decision, but rather the little choices we make, every day of our lives. Damn, I wish I could find the actual quote; I found it brilliant.

Tee-Hee and I were discussing, again, what makes people cross that line when it comes to money. Actually, we got on the topic when she was telling me about Catch Me if You Can and how it was based on a real story, and how the guy had gone to prison but eventually ended up working for the FBI or the CIA or some other illustrious branch of the government because (I think?) he was so good at detecting counterfeit money. And I told Teresa that I was surprised that the Feds or law enforcement agencies of any kind, really, were ever able to catch the culprit because, as I put it: What kinds of people generally go into law enforcement? People who want to “do good,” or people with criminal minds? And of course, it is usually the do-gooder who tries to catch the evil criminal, right ... but how do you CATCH a criminal if you do not THINK like a criminal?

Which is neither here nor there, I suppose, and we eventually revisited the issue of line-crossing in regard to money. And how, even though it has been drummed into your head that stealing is wrong, and that you should never take something that is not yours, some people reach a point at which it suddenly becomes “OK” to take money that they have not earned. Perhaps because it is so incredibly easy, or because they are at the end of their financial rope, or because they really just do not care, anymore.

But can they ever truly accept the fact that what they have done is NOT wrong? Or can you ever get to the point where you say (and mean it, completely): “Hey, it’s only money!”

Wow, that was definitely NOT the tangent I intended to go off on!

What I wanted to write about, what I have been meaning to write about, was a moment just after sailing on Monday. We had left the marina and headed toward the beach, and Kurt was up at the van getting the rings, and the boys were in the water, Lisa was sitting on a beach towel watching them, The Lovely had taken Shelby to the bathroom, and I was standing just outside the sand, leaning against a fence, my elbows on the smooth logs. It was raining, ever so slightly. And I was thinking about the day I had just spent on the lake, surrounded by people I love who love me, really love me. And I also thought of a girl that I have loved probably from the instant I met her but have managed to push away at various points in our relationship (?? — I really do not know the proper term for what she is to me, nor I to her), and how she is now very much present in my life, right now, and how up until now I have never fully been able to appreciate all that she gives, all that she is capable of giving, and how I have come so close to losing her so many times — in fact, I honestly believed I had lost her ... except for this tiny part of me that kept hoping, hoping, that I had not — but here she is/was/is. And in that moment, my life felt perfect.

I am determined not to risk losing the people I love.

Dancin’ little marionette
Are you happy now?

Yes. Yes, I am.