Ash Wednesday

And so, approximately 6.5 hours into Ash Wednesday 2005, I managed to blow one of my “Things I Am Giving up for Lent” dealies when someone backed out of a parking space onto the Public Square and then kept inching ... inching ... inching forward, as if he or she were, indeed, going to cut me off as I attempted to exit the north side of the square. Which prompted me to let fly with a noun (dumb-ass) and an adjective (fucking), as in, “You dumb-ass! Gimme a fucking break!” while I continued my exit.

Yes, cussing is/was one of the things I had given up for Lent. Along with negativity. Also, I am trying to limit myself to one can of pop/soda per day.

Am I required to do penance for the aforementioned violation? And will I be charged twice for saying it AND writing it? Or perhaps 3 times, for saying it and writing it twice?

Aye-yi-yi, I can see I would struggle mightily if I were Catholic. As it is, I am a barely recognizable Methodist ... though I did make it into the Methodist church here in town to take a picture this morning. A near-perfect entrance, too, if I say so myself, as I wheeled around the corner of the kitchen, slightly slipped on the slick floor (thanks to a bit of sleet and snow outside) and then came to an abrupt halt, just inside the doorway, promptly at 9 a.m.

: )

Again: I rock my ... world!

: )

So, already I am looking for my Lenten loophole. People at work do not believe I can give up any and all negativity; I say that is a negative wish for them to cast upon me, but then again: These are the same people who saw me give up sarcastic replies, only to violate that in mere seconds, a couple of years ago! I suppose they cannot be blamed for having doubts. And I admit, I was already trying to prepare for the possibility that they might be right: I told them that if I followed one negative with a second negative, immediately, then the double-negative would result in a positive!

(They were not buying it, either.)

: )

Speaking of sarcasm ...

This is courtesy of one of my Orchard pals, Margarita (an artist with VERY cool hair):

The Washington Post’s Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readersto take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Enjoy.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Intaxication — Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation — Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.) — The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy — Any misrepresentation about yourself, for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.) — The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti — Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm — The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the personwho doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte — To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis — Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis — A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon — It's like, when everybody is sending off all thesereally bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it'slike, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.) — The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido — All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect — The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) — The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) — Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets intoyour bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.) — The color you turn after finding half a grub inthe fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus — A person who’s both stupid and an ass hole.

No. 9 is for my pal Patti, of course; I am partial to No. 7, though I admit several of these made me smile out loud when I read them.